A few thoughts after returning from Japan
Min wants two things: mother-like support/comfort and to connect with me spiritually. Me, I need—yeah, need—more love in my life. That is part of wanting a kid; the rest is, well, simply wanting that kind of relationship (I think).
Rica has come to occupy an odd part of my life. Always a momentus figure in my heart’s jungled terrain, she has come to embody sweet longing and loss. I reel from what I have lost in giving her up; and now to write to her (to try to ensure that she continues to want me to write to her) I focus my writing on loosing the self, loosing desire. She is gone, and it is because she has become so good at leaving (this world, these pangs) that I want her. And the best way I see to try to get a part of her back is to help her leave.
Yeah, ultimately I may be in a position to better find and establish an investigation into how to help the world. But for now, simply studying the mechanisms for self-efficacy, etc. in disadvantaged, urban kids is lofty enough.
My life is small. And focusing on a small but significant caste of characters only grows it.
A few thoughts on the active part of my life:
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“Ego-less Productivity”
It’s not eloquent or catchy, but fits right well. Ego-less in trying to be less victim to the imbalance I seem unable to avoid in my ego. Ego-less in doing what I need to do simply and without personal drama. Yo ualready know that you are the biggest impediment to doing better and more. So (why didn’t you think of this earlier?!), try your best to remove yourself from the process.
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“The Meditative Warrior”
This is one thing that I’m trying to couch and take from Japan. The idealized sense of the Kung Fu warrior, the samuri or Muslim Humza who is meditative, focused, discplined, and clear. This is what I need to take from my father.You dither so long on what you shouldn’t take from him, you utterly neglect the mighty and precious things you should be honored to take from him., the simple responsibility to yourself to follow the course that you need to follow to grow.
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“Do a Few Things Well”
Notice how often I’ve used the word “simple” in tthis lately? On purpose.
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“Set Easy and Simple Goals and Maintain Them”
Your first meditative step. Once you have clearly established this step, then you can take the next. If you should ever not do this first step, you fall back to it and continue only after it is re-established. Vacations from it can be taken, but the rules for those need yet to be established.
And the first step is to follow a sleeping schedule and to set two things to do in a week and do them.
